I'm in the life phase (dunno should categorize it as life phase or not) where i think nothing is really excite me, everything is pointless to do, because we'll die anyway. Speaking of die, i thought about it a lot, like really often, more than a human being should. And it haunts and terrifies me.

I sometimes look at other people. Look how they can smile in the brightest way possible, and think "how can you enjoy all those temporary things?"

I just act normal, like everything in my head works alright. Sometimes i want to scream, sudden burst of emotions attack me. But I try all my might to stay still. I want everyone knows i am normal. may it suggest my very self, that i am normal.

I over-watch my pulse. Sometimes it gets tenser, makes me want to jump, like it can prevents from explosion that i thought might happen in any seconds,

I read somewhere, I'm in the realizing phase, where everything will come to an end, then there will come a day for accepting phase.

It gets better though,